Author(s): Ann K Finkbeiner

Grief & Loss

For a parent, losing a child is the most devastating event that can occur. Most books on the subject focus on grieving and recovery, but as most parents agree, there is no recovery from such a loss. This book examines the continued love parents feel for their child and the many poignant and ingenious ways they devise to preserve the bond. Through detailed profiles of parents, Ann Finkbeiner shows how new activities and changed relationships with their spouse, friends, and other children can all help parents preserve a bond with the lost child. Refusing to fall back on pop jargon about "recovery" or to offer easy suggestions or standardized timelines, Finkbeiner's is a genuine and moving search to come to terms with loss. Her complex profiles of parents resonate with the honesty and authenticity of uncomfortable emotions expressed and, most importantly, shared with others experiencing a similar loss. Finally, each profile exemplifies the many heroic ways parents learn to live with their pain, and by so doing, honor the lives their children should have lived. Review Quotes: "Find a copy... It will exhaust and replenish you." -- Gary Grant, We Need Not Walk Alone "By using her own and other parents' experiences... peace through connectedness with these parents is conveyed to the reader." -- Marceil Bauman-Bork, MD, Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic "Enriching. One is struck by the mysterious power of attachment and love in the parent-child bond." -- Holly Perkins, M.D., Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry "Written with warmth, depth, and sensitivity... it will be a comfort to those some way down the road, helping them understand their sorrow and pain, and affirming their own individual way of grieving." -- June Gooch, Newsletter of the Compassionate Friends "The bravery that Ann Finkbeiner must have had to write this book is incredible... By using her own and other parents' experiences, the author makes the issues speakable, and a sense of peace through connectedness with these parents is conveyed to the reader." -- Marceil Bauman-Bork, MD, Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic "Like mourning itself, this powerful book, much of it in the words of bereaved parents, evokes a series of reactions... It illustrates the hard fact ]of human suffering( but also our resilience."--New York Times "The first book to examine the long-term nature of parental grief through the tales of those who suffer it. Although the book includes most current grief research, its authorities are parents."--Baltimore Sun After a child dies, the parent's world changes entirely. Years later, this new world has changed the parents. The exact nature of this change--the long-term effects of the death--illuminates the nature of the bond between parents and children. Ann Finkbeiner lost her son in a train accident when he was 18. Several years later, she noticed she was feeling better and wondered whether this feeling was what was meant by "recovery." As a science writer, she read the psychological, sociological, and psychiatric research into parental bereavement. And as a bereaved parent, she asked hard questions of thirty parents whose child had died at least five years before, of all causes and at all ages. In this book, Finkbeiner combines the research and the parents' answers into a description of the parents' new lives. The parents talk about their changed marriages and their changed relationships with their other children, with their friends and relatives. They talk about their attempts to make sense of the death and about their drastically changed priorities. And most important, they talk about how they still love their children, how the child seems to see through their eyes and live through their actions. They move on through their grief, they get on with their lives, but theynever let go of their children. Their wisdom is here presented to any in need of it. "This book is just excellent. Ann Finkbeiner has found a way to investigate her own grief and perhaps find some resolution to this difficult task of grieving. Thousands of bereaved parents and professionals will benefit from her work."--Therese Goodrich, former executive director of The Compassionate Friends, member of Bereaved Parents of USA "The book is beautifully written and deeply felt... It can be of value for bereaved parents who can by helped by it to understand their pain and sorrow and to understand the different ways fathers and mothers grieve. It should be required reading for professionals who would help bereaved parents and who would understand how deeply invested are parents in their children." -- Robert S. Weiss, University of Massachusetts, Boston "By focusing on the long-term impact of losing a child, Ann Finkbeiner has raised issues and concerns that are rarely addressed. Her book is thought-provoking, deeply moving, and filled with insight and hope. I recommend it enthusiastically to parents and professionals." -- Camille Wortman, State University of New York at Stony Brook First published 1996.